I love waking up to something I love! *grumps* Nevermind that it's almost 2 in the afternoon - I've done enough today without being awake and got enough going on besides! Okay, I'm still in the process of reading this one, so give me just a minute to think on it and process it. Wait a tic! I'm being a mite selfish! Here! Y'all read it too!
It's called "Why Women Aren't Crazy" - go read it!!!
You know, just a few paragraphs in - get to the bit about the Bergman/Boyer picture - this stuff already makes a lot of sense! Yashar Ali recognizes and points out with no bones about it, how people (of ALL genders!) constantly berate women about their emotions. Let me level with you on something very, very personal that is quite relevant to this article and its subject:
My dad is not at all well. He's been in ICU in the hospital here in my home town since Monday, July 8th. Given that I don't have my mom's official okay on how much to post here, I'll be brief. Long story short, we've got a 50/50 chance of celebrating Father's Day next year. Things are not looking good. This turn of events is coming after my mom enacted a legal separation with my dad - one that has been very long in coming. ALL of this is coming after watching my dad deal (very poorly at that) with his alcoholism since he retired when I was a junior in high school - 7 years ago.
Now, it seems to me that I should be expected to be a touch wonky during this exceptionally trying time. However, I have discovered that 90% of everyone I deal with seems to think they know how I should handle it, because obviously I'm doing it wrong. I keep hearing from all sides "You're just being over-dramatic - he's not THAT sick" and "Aren't you blowing things a little out of proportion?" (That one always comes with this disgusting tone of faux-sympathy.) My personal favorite is "Aren't you making this all about you?" - that one's the tune and refrain every single time I express anger.
I realize my situation is quite extreme at the present moment and not everyone is dealing with something like this or WILL deal with something like this. I pray to every god in existence that you, my beloveds, never ever do. However, I feel the point is valid in sharing it with you because of one reason: no matter what it is, if a woman expresses ANY negative emotion, she's "nuts."
Here's the problem with all of that, quoted direct from the article above.
Oh, and don't even get me started with "What, are you on your period?" Loath as I am to resort to violence, with how short my fuse is recently, that phrase is an instant trigger to a punch in the teeth. If you're a man (assuming you were born male), you've never had one, so you don't get to say that. If you're a woman (assuming you were born female), you've had one, so you don't get to either. Actually, I'd say woman-on-woman gaslighting is worse. We expect it from men - fathers, boyfriends, brothers, guys at school/work. If you're female, please do not contribute doubly to the problem by gaslighting other women and diminishing the possibility for healthy female relationships.
But refer to the last sentence of that block-quote again (and be proud of me for figuring out how to use the block-quote feature). And here's another block-quote for you that actually sums it up better than I could. I'd tip my hat to Mr. Ali, but I haven't got a hat.
Go look in a mirror. Yep! YOU. I don't care if you're male, female, whatever gender you happen to identify yourself as. Forgive my total lack of filter, but I don't bloody care if you identify as a spayed English Sheepdog! YOU, YOU, YOU, have the power to help stop societal gaslighting. "Oh, but Marigold!" you may exclaim. "How can I do that with society as a whole standing in my way?"
Here we go: next time someone expresses a negative emotion (don't care about THEIR gender either, come to that), and you open your mouth to say "You're being too dramatic/sensitive/selfish/whatever"... DON'T! You might think they truly are being a nut about it. When a person is upset is not the time to put in your two cents unless they directly ask you for help. Oh, and don't tell them to "Calm down" either. Just don't. (Read that in Captain America's voice.) Yep, it's as simple as that. When a person is upset, it kinda doesn't matter how you think they should feel about it. It matters how they feel about it and that it needed to come out. Try words like:
Yeah, when you're telling someone that they're "dramatic" or "sensitive" or "crazy" or "out of proportion" or what have you, you are telling them "YOU DO NOT MATTER." Can you do that to someone in good conscience? If you can, I feel sorry for you. If you didn't realize that's how it came across, I want to give you a hug. Now you know and you can fix it! This one, like every other problem, starts getting fixed with you.
Oh, by the way... I don't normally do things like this, but I'm going to ask that all of my readers please pray for me and my family. I don't particularly care what deity you pray to or how you pray to them. Just... please... We're having a really hard time and we could use all the prayers and love and good energy and hugs that we can get.
Marigold, sending out love and good energy cos you gotta give 'em to get 'em, wishing you well!
It's called "Why Women Aren't Crazy" - go read it!!!
You know, just a few paragraphs in - get to the bit about the Bergman/Boyer picture - this stuff already makes a lot of sense! Yashar Ali recognizes and points out with no bones about it, how people (of ALL genders!) constantly berate women about their emotions. Let me level with you on something very, very personal that is quite relevant to this article and its subject:
My dad is not at all well. He's been in ICU in the hospital here in my home town since Monday, July 8th. Given that I don't have my mom's official okay on how much to post here, I'll be brief. Long story short, we've got a 50/50 chance of celebrating Father's Day next year. Things are not looking good. This turn of events is coming after my mom enacted a legal separation with my dad - one that has been very long in coming. ALL of this is coming after watching my dad deal (very poorly at that) with his alcoholism since he retired when I was a junior in high school - 7 years ago.
Now, it seems to me that I should be expected to be a touch wonky during this exceptionally trying time. However, I have discovered that 90% of everyone I deal with seems to think they know how I should handle it, because obviously I'm doing it wrong. I keep hearing from all sides "You're just being over-dramatic - he's not THAT sick" and "Aren't you blowing things a little out of proportion?" (That one always comes with this disgusting tone of faux-sympathy.) My personal favorite is "Aren't you making this all about you?" - that one's the tune and refrain every single time I express anger.
I realize my situation is quite extreme at the present moment and not everyone is dealing with something like this or WILL deal with something like this. I pray to every god in existence that you, my beloveds, never ever do. However, I feel the point is valid in sharing it with you because of one reason: no matter what it is, if a woman expresses ANY negative emotion, she's "nuts."
Here's the problem with all of that, quoted direct from the article above.
"Gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel."
Oh, and don't even get me started with "What, are you on your period?" Loath as I am to resort to violence, with how short my fuse is recently, that phrase is an instant trigger to a punch in the teeth. If you're a man (assuming you were born male), you've never had one, so you don't get to say that. If you're a woman (assuming you were born female), you've had one, so you don't get to either. Actually, I'd say woman-on-woman gaslighting is worse. We expect it from men - fathers, boyfriends, brothers, guys at school/work. If you're female, please do not contribute doubly to the problem by gaslighting other women and diminishing the possibility for healthy female relationships.
But refer to the last sentence of that block-quote again (and be proud of me for figuring out how to use the block-quote feature). And here's another block-quote for you that actually sums it up better than I could. I'd tip my hat to Mr. Ali, but I haven't got a hat.
I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy.”Y'all... This is a man who gets it, and gets it good. It isn't something one person dreamed up one day to "keep us down." It's something that our society does day in and day out, month after month, year upon year, and generation to generation. Well, you may ask, where does it stop?
Go look in a mirror. Yep! YOU. I don't care if you're male, female, whatever gender you happen to identify yourself as. Forgive my total lack of filter, but I don't bloody care if you identify as a spayed English Sheepdog! YOU, YOU, YOU, have the power to help stop societal gaslighting. "Oh, but Marigold!" you may exclaim. "How can I do that with society as a whole standing in my way?"
Here we go: next time someone expresses a negative emotion (don't care about THEIR gender either, come to that), and you open your mouth to say "You're being too dramatic/sensitive/selfish/whatever"... DON'T! You might think they truly are being a nut about it. When a person is upset is not the time to put in your two cents unless they directly ask you for help. Oh, and don't tell them to "Calm down" either. Just don't. (Read that in Captain America's voice.) Yep, it's as simple as that. When a person is upset, it kinda doesn't matter how you think they should feel about it. It matters how they feel about it and that it needed to come out. Try words like:
"I'm so sorry."
"Is there any way I can help?"
"What do you need?/Is there anything you need?"
"Would you like to talk?"I don't care if you're the "fixer" kind of personality. A lot of the time, what you need to understand is that someone coming to you with a problem is not asking for help. Most people, when they want help, will ask for it. In the situation of "not asking for help," generally what they want is for you to listen. A lot of this societal gaslighting thing seems to come from a general refusal to listen to anybody at any time ever. Everybody wants to be heard, but nobody wants to listen. To a person dealing with a negative emotion like anger, sadness, or frustration, a general refusal to listen boils down in its purest form to "I don't matter."
Yeah, when you're telling someone that they're "dramatic" or "sensitive" or "crazy" or "out of proportion" or what have you, you are telling them "YOU DO NOT MATTER." Can you do that to someone in good conscience? If you can, I feel sorry for you. If you didn't realize that's how it came across, I want to give you a hug. Now you know and you can fix it! This one, like every other problem, starts getting fixed with you.
Oh, by the way... I don't normally do things like this, but I'm going to ask that all of my readers please pray for me and my family. I don't particularly care what deity you pray to or how you pray to them. Just... please... We're having a really hard time and we could use all the prayers and love and good energy and hugs that we can get.
Marigold, sending out love and good energy cos you gotta give 'em to get 'em, wishing you well!
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