Idea: "I am not the Macguffin."

Phantom of the Opera/Christine
Les Miserables/Cosette
Sleeping Beauty/Aurora
Snow White/Guess who?

See anything in common here?

Disclaimer: I love these stories/musicals/movies. I am not bashing them. I'm just calling for something new. Seriously, "calling out something for an issue" is not the same thing as "I hate this thing and I'm trying to make you hate it too." Repeat that over and over as needed.

The "heroines" of these stories are actually Macguffins. Like the Philosopher's Stone. Like Triton's trident. Like the One Ring. Like the Silver Crystal (sue me, I just went to AWA and had a huge feels-wave of my love for Sailor Moon come crashing back). Like whatever media Macguffin you can think of.

Problem 1 - women as Macguffins.

It's annoying at best - dehumanizing at worst. I think it's a shit kind of message for little girls to be spoon-fed over and over that they are there to be found/saved/discovered/won. Even when the heroine makes noises about having her own personality (Jasmine, I'm looking at you) the chips come down in the end and the HERO is the requisite day-saver. I'm sure there are examples out there of this not being the case. Tell me if you think of any, cos I haven't had my caffeine yet. Oh, by the way... This is jumping the gun a bit, because I'll mention this in a couple paragraphs, but the solution to Problem 1 is NOT ---

Problem 2 - "ME STRONG WOMAN! ME SMASH! ME NO NEED MAN! ARE FEMINIST!"

Yeah, I'm getting really annoyed with the caricatures that mainstream media is telling us represent "strong women." One, no, not all women are strong. Two, "strong" women are not strong all the time. You know what's similar about those two sentences? You can substitute the word "people" where you see "woman" and the sentence carries the exact same meaning! When a male character shows weakness of any kind... I'm gonna pick on Spencer Reid here for a second, mostly because it's easy... He's a better character because of his addiction, his headaches, his possible burgeoning schizophrenia! People actually like him MORE! Let a female character have that same combination of shit? Yeah, I'm not even going to regurgitate all that garbage at you. Go on Tumblr and see it for yourself.

Terrific example of this actually getting fixed:

Black Widow as she appears in Avengers (Say! I've got an idea! Let's see JUST how much super-sexualized violence we can get away with against her - like threatening to rip her tongue out while she's wearing next to nothing! There's just nothing like threatening her bodily integrity and making a HUUUUUUGE rape analogy, is there?! And, oh, by the way, she's STILL going to pretend to be completely emotionless while TOTALLY mooning over a barely-stuck-in-there Hawkeye! Cos she's GOTTA be attached to a man or we really can't think of a reason for her to be here... Nevermind that she has the same exact powers as Batman!)

versus...

Black Widow as she appears in Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Natasha: "Holy hell. I fucked up big time. There are goddamn Nazis all over SHIELD. This is a gigantic problem. I am going to own up to my mistakes and do my best to fix them. Am I as strong as Captain America? No, but I don't have to be because I have my own skill set that is just as valuable. And, yeah, Steve probably wouldn't be learning to function in the 21st century near as well without my helping him.")


Solution to Problem 1 - STOP IT!

Yes, we are in an age where most writers (I'm pretty sure) are women. If you want to know why that's awesome, just go read Nathaniel Hawthorne's thoughts on the subject of women writers. However, we as women writers seem only to get published if we stick to the hackneyed stereotypes of what women in the public eye as characters are expected to be. Or, we go so far the other direction that we steer straight into Problem 2.

Solution to Problem 2 - Stop that bullshit and call it out when you see it.

Please, for the love of god, don't write a female character on the "Let's see how unfeminine we can possibly make her" scale. We need to stop equating the feminine with the bad. It's called internalized misogyny and it needs to stop.

Consult this list for help:

• A female character can have a romance and still be considered "strong"
• It is okay if a female character mishandles a romance - people do that
• Every mistake does not have to be an existential crisis
• A female character can be feminine and still be considered "strong"
• A RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE CENTRAL PORTION OF HER STORY.

Please repeat that last one for as long as it takes for it to sink in.

By the way, this is all without even mentioning mainstream transphobia  and homophobia in "mainstream" literature, and biphobia within LGBTQA+ literature. This is all without mentioning polyamorous relationships in media and the erasure thereof. If your character falls in one, two, or all of these categories, then please ask someone who knows better than I how best to handle this. I am aware of the problem, but I do not know how to correctly give information upon it. I would rather tell you "I don't know" than tell you something wrong and/or problematic.

Bottom lines:

George R. R. Martin was not the first human to discover that women are people, so let's all start writing women as people.

I am looking to start printing "I am not the Macguffin" on T-shirts. Let me know if you are interested.

Fight tooth and nail against the "Problem 2" model of writing women.

This is Marigold, on her way to get dressed for choral rehearsal, wishing you a happy Thursday!

Sifting an actual message out of total failsauce.

 I have been seeing this article flying around on Facebook and Tumblr for a couple of days now. I gave it a read and as soon as I saw the words "black privilege" it was hard not to shut it then. However, I kept what was left of an open mind and looked at the rest of the entry. They did get a couple of minute details right, mostly about the patriarchy. Upon a second reading, I am reasonably sure these people were trying for satire and they kind of missed it entirely. Although, really good satire means you can't tell it's satire... (Seriously, they advocate piss as a hair product. Pretty sure they're not serious.)

Now, okay, I am not even going to start on the whole "black privilege" thing. White people trying to tell people of color to check their privilege (whole 'nother article) is just... ugh. Don't even get anybody started. The article was about hair, and I am in no way at all saying that white women's hair is so politicized as women of color, particularly Black women. But when I see commercials for hair products, I did see the little teeny tiny cereal crumbs of "I kinda see where they were trying to come from" that you can see if you squint real hard.

Look at the norms for hair promoted in these commercials. One, the models are overwhelmingly white. I'm honestly not sure I've ever seen a commercial specifically for hair products aimed at women of color, but that might have more to do with the fact that I watch Criminal Minds, River Monsters, and reruns of 90s cartoons pretty much overall. Two, the hair is one of two ways. 90 percent of the hair is straight. Products are out there to "repair" the damage done by blowdryers and flatirons - these claims are straight-up lies, since you cannot repair keratin. The 10 percent of hair that is shown to have any texture at all is hair that has been straightened, then curled in the most deliberate way humanly possible.

The message is that anyone's "natural" hair - any hint of the texture that actually grows out of your head, is somehow wrong. Naturally curly or wavy hair is considered messy, unkempt, or even dirty. In order to look like you're "supposed to", you have to buy all the gadgets to straighten it and all the products to smooth it. Then, and ONLY THEN, may you "curl" it. That, of course, requires more gadgets and more products. Following that message is the message that if you do not do these things, you are not trying. You are breaking the social contract set forth for you, like failing to wear makeup or keep up with fashion.

It's not the politicizing of Black hair - the prohibition of "ethnic" hairstyles by school dress code (no shit, my school was guilty), the constant exposure to colorism, the push for women of color to approximate whiteness as much as possible. That's a totally different level. It's wrong.

But it's still worth looking at that our society pushes EVERYONE to be totally artificial. Your real hair is dirty and wrong and you have to do this and that and the other thing to make it right. If you don't make your hair smooth and straight and shiny, then you look unkempt. If you want texture or body, you must do it in the way the Powers That Be prescribe. It IS another ploy by the patriarchy to make sure we don't like anything about ourselves.

So the article is probably satire, and not the greatest of satires either. If you look hard enough, though, there's a little itty-bitty point in there. While it isn't anything to do with minority erasure, white approximation/normalization, the politicizing of bodies of color, or anything like that - those are huge issues and they need to be tackled like anything else, bites at a time. It's worth looking into, however, when you find little reminders about how insidious the patriarchy really is.

I'm probably going to catch shit for this entry. And I'm here, ready to tell you - that's precisely what the patriarchy wants. They WANT us to say "How dare you be upset about this when THAT is going on?" That's the kind of shutting-down fussing that keeps the patriarchy in power. I am not qualified to speak on the politicizing of Black hair, since I am not Black. But I'm pretty qualified to say "My hair is just fine the way it is, and I'm not going to buy into the Powers That Be telling me I need to do this, that, and the other thing to it." So, before you go off on me, take a good hard look - we can either fix problems, or we can keep pissing and swiping at each other. I'll back you and your decision to do whatever with your hair - it's yours, it's on your head, so do what you want! I encourage you to back others' personal grooming decisions, etc.

Marigold, sitting around with her hair up over the back of the couch, wishing you a happy Winds' Day.

Sitting about, reading... Like I do...

And I get to Jessica Valenti’s passage in “He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut - and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know” about shaving/hair removal.

I get where she and other feminists are coming from. I really do. Bodily autonomy. It is totally a thing. It needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Sure - refuse to shave because fuck the patriarchy. Sure - refuse to shave because it saves time. Sure - refuse to shave because you don’t fucking want to.

But do not give me shit because I shave.

You do not know my situation. I have an autism spectrum disorder. Part of that disorder includes sensory snafus, including overload. Tactile issues have given me personal hell since I was a tiny baby. Ask my mom - I would somehow kick out of onesies in my crib. I cannot abide anything that itches. Or is sticky, but that’s not a shaving issue.

I find body hair intolerably itchy. It has nothing to do with standards of beauty. Zero to do with attracting the sexual interest of the Theoretical Random Cis-Het Man. Not because someone told me hairy girls are gross. It has everything to do with the fact that if I cannot relieve an itch, I could tear my skin off trying.

I get that I’m probably a pretty specific situation. But you don’t know. Before you go off on somebody for “feeding the patriarchy” with whatever their personal hygiene routine happens to be, make sure you know their entire situation.

This kind of body policing, even if it's in the name of feminism, is part of the reason the patriarchy still thinks it's winning. When you get snippy at another woman because you don't like what she does with her body, guess what? You're being just as bad. If you have a serious disagreement with someone over something they are doing, by all means address that. Just do it without attacking. I hate to come across like a third grade teacher (Mrs. McGoldrick, you were AWESOME - don't get me wrong!) but use your words. You can say "I disagree with you doing X because Y" without screaming "YOU'RE WRONG!" at the person. You can also express concern if you feel the person may genuinely be harming themselves.

First thing you need to do, however, is ask yourself "What's this got to do with me?" If you really think that someone's, in this case, personal hygiene habits, are your business, ask yourself why. Ask yourself and answer honestly, "Why am I so concerned with what this person is doing?" I'm not a religious person, but I think there's something to be said for "Before you criticize the speck in your neighbor's eye, remove the plank of wood from your own." I'm not going to get snarky and say "Before you criticize me, make sure you're perfect."

By the way... CRITICISM is different from ATTACKING. Please tell me I do not have to insult your intelligence by explaining the difference. We're all mature people here - we know how to make a point without descending into biting at someone's character or getting personal.

On that same note, I'm going to cross-post something I posted on my friend E.'s Facebook. Context: he was asking if there is a way to criticize someone who is different/a minority without coming across as intolerant or an asshole. (Quick answer: yes.)

"Our society puts great stigma on being wrong. It's looked on as a blow to your character, rather than something that inevitably happens and you are supposed to learn from it. Therefore, instead of taking criticism as a learning tool, people take it as a personal attack. They'll then do any mental gymnastics necessary to make double sure they're bleating "I'M NOT WRONG!" just as loud as they can.

First, we need to do away with this whole "Being wrong makes you a bad person" mentality. Then, we need to make sure that what we are saying IS truly a criticism, not just an attack because what they are doing is making us feel like we might be wrong. We've created this culture of "Bite them before they bite you" so everyone has this marked tendency to just lash out anytime they hear something they do not instantly and totally agree with."

I see this in feminist discourse all the time. Instead of having an actual DISCOURSE, in which people can exchange sometimes-conflicting points of view and come to their own conclusions, I see the same screaming and gnashing of teeth as your average YouTube comments. Instead of seeing "Okay, I disagree with you and you disagree with me, but what we're each doing works for us" or even possibly picking up new ideas, I'm seeing "YOU'RE A HORRIBLE FEMINIST! YOU'RE A BAD PERSON! YOU MAKE THIS A ROTTEN WORLD FOR WOMEN!" F everyone's I, that's a terrific way for the patriarchy to win. Whatever the point is, it is totally possible for several different things to be workable. Person A can want to go to school for engineering while Person B wants to study music. There's no need to tear each other's throats out just for being into different things.

On the original point, I get the case against shaving. I hear you and I understand. But show some empathy for someone experiencing a different situation. I would rather shave/wax/thread/Nair/whatever than tear my skin apart from unbearable itching. If you wish never to remove any hair from your body ever, cool. Not my business, cos it’s not my body.

I would appreciate being extended the same courtesy.

Marigold, loving the smell of her massage oil substituted for lotion, wishing you a beautiful day!

(BTW... It's been a long, strange trip, but this is the 50th post on this blog!!!!!)

International Women's Day/Happy New Year!!!

Welcome back to Magical Girl Power, everybody! I have to apologize once again for the unannounced hiatus. Everything has just been really crazy since the holidays. A lot of the time, I just do not have the energy to log in and post something well-thought-out. Hell, sometimes, I can't even muster up the spoons just to sputter in outrage. Gods only know there's enough out there to be outraged about... But that's not what we're here about today.

This time last year, I posted a tribute to some seriously awesome ladies in my life. Well, a year later, they're still awesome! I'm really not sure what I could say to one-up any of what I said last year... However, I've got a couple of new inspirational ladies to add to the list!!

Raven - last year, when I got really, really sick, I had to miss the opening weekend of the Georgia Renaissance Festival. A year later, I could not be gladder of that fact. Raven is a terrific personification of ladies building each other up!! I am so proud to know her! She can do practically anything crafty under the sun, and she is an extremely calming influence around loads of people. Also, we encourage each other's less-than-socially-acceptable habits and we have a truly rockin' time with it! I cannot thank her enough for remaining in my life, particularly through the last year with all its completely shitty moments. From what she's said, I bring her up as well and I can only hope that I continue to do just as well and better! (She's also a serious stitch-witch and takes commissions, for all my cosplaying readers!)

Ashley - we met years ago, but we really didn't start getting close until rather recently. Sweet, seriously sexy, and super-nerdy!! Again, I need way more lady-friends like Raven and Ashley in my life. All of us have witnessed entirely too much internalized misogyny for a lot of lady-friends to have been much of a possibility in the past. Ashley is awesomely creative - we've got some pretty freaking great plans for DragonCon of this year! She's got an intense work ethic and she goes for what she wants, and screw anybody who might try and stop her! On a more personal note, she totally understands what it's like for those of us out there living with digestive funk.

I'd also like to mention my mom again on International Women's Day. As y'all may or may not know, it's just the two of us now. A lot of days, it's been really hard. Neither of us gets out terribly often. Mom would rather not, but I'm more... just out of something to do. We're up under each other's noses all the time if we're not at school/work and it does drive us crazy. She has been doing so much to help me achieve autonomy, even when most days it seems everything is working against me. I love you, Mom... I know it hasn't been easy, but I thank you for every single thing you do.

Like I said in the first paragraph, there's a lot out there to just be outraged about. It seems like no matter how we try to claw our way uphill, we just slide back. Particularly here in the United States, reproductive health rights are under significant fire. Health care in general is pretty fucked here, all because the Powers That Be would rather stamp their little feet than do anything for the "other guy." Women are still being punished on levels up to and including violence just for being women. We're still squabbling with each other over intersectionality and inclusivity within feminism. Internalized misogyny, transphobia, erasure of WOC from feminist discourse... It really does look impossible to come out on top a lot of the time.

But please... Even if, like me, you need to just sit down and take a break, get up and start fighting again. I'm trying. I feel like a hypocrite for encouraging y'all to do when all I am capable of is trying, but I ask you from the bottom of my heart... Try with me? If I had more spoons and more time before I go into work, I'm sure I'd say more, but at this point in the day, I don't. Thank you for bearing with me during spotty update and personal bad spots.

Marigold, leaving you all with a little more love than you came in with, over and out...

"Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X"

Please read the following in the voice of a British documentary narrator. My personal favorite is Tony Jay, but you feel free to pick your own:

Greetings, followers, and welcome to a special installment of Magical Girl Power's "Field Guide to Misogyny." In this segment, we will explore the first of three prominent players in the field of misogyny, with a focus on body policing, hetero-normalcy, and invalidation. First, we have the ever-present "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X." In the second place, we have the all-too-common "You Can't-er." Finally, we shall finish this series of "Field Guide to Misogyny" with the annoyingly self-superior "One-Upper."

Moving straight forward, we come first to the "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X." An insidious creature, no one has ever seen this particular man, but apparently every woman is made painfully aware of him. Every time a woman is told that she should change her outfit because "boys will get the wrong idea" or informed that "men" hate a certain item of clothing, we are exposed to the "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X." His opinion is meant to control every aspect of life as a woman. When a woman is told that she should dress to impress, she is being told that the one she must impress is the "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X." What he thinks of every possible stitch of clothing on her body or particle of makeup on her face is of utmost importance.

This creature is particularly slimy and harmful due in first part to its obvious use in total cis-het male domination of women, and in second part to its complete falsification of the minds of real men. Both of these aspects work together to harm people of any and all genders. By policing women's bodies in pursuit of ultimate appeal to the "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X", we perpetuate hetero-normalcy on all sides. Let us face the facts - not everyone is straight. The range of orientations out there is truly dazzling. Only ONE orientation has anything at all to do with the desires of a cisgender, heterosexual male, and that is cisgender heterosexuality. If you are a cisgender, heterosexual woman, by definition, you are attracted to men. It doesn't even necessitate being attracted to CISGENDER men, as far as I am aware.

So how has the "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X" become so phenomenally ingrained into every aspect of our world as we know it?

1. His opinion is the yardstick by which every woman is expected to live her life.
2. The preferences and desires of actual men are over-shouted by his ever-present influnce.
1. Example: I cannot think of a single man I've ever met who even HAD an opinion on hi-lo hems. I asked my friend Elf what he thought of them and he said, and I quote, "hooziwhatzits?"
3. Men who fail to live up to the standard of "Theoretical Random Cis-Het Male X" are demonized, because this creature is the ideal of our society. Deviate from that, and you will be punished.
    

What does one do when faced with the presence of this draining force of a mythical creature - this parasitic unicorn, as it were? How do we, as feminists, remove the importance of his opinions to ourselves and to others around us? 

One suggestion is the same as with bullies on an elementary school playground - ignore the pest and, when it ceases to obtain the reaction it desires, it folds up and disappears. Of course, this suggestion is laughable in all practicality. Nothing has ever been solved with ignoring the problem. However, a change in reaction is beyond doubt a necessity. It is a frightening prospect for many, such a drastic deviation from the norm. Imagine, for a moment, what would happen if everyone woke up tomorrow and entirely ceased to base their lives around the presence of our subject?

It would be 1929 for the advertising industry. Instead of scurrying to buy this, that, and the other thing out of fear and shame, people would buy what they like and what makes them feel good. Of course, it would not be the end of the fashion and beauty industries in entirety, but it would certainly change their place in societal context. Imagine a world in which people brushed their teeth because it is the hygienic thing to do, not under the influence of how "If you're not whitening, you're yellowing." Is it really so radical to think that having less than Chiclet-bright teeth is a sin so heinous that you will spend the rest of your life a tired old hag without a "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X" to sweep you off your feet and fix your life?

That is the presence of our subject: the fact that toothpaste companies can sell you a product based on your worth to him, instead of the product's benefit to your overall health.

We at Magical Girl Power suggest awareness as a combatant to our subject. When one is aware of a problem, when a problem is spoken openly of, then the problem can be solved. Talk to your friends about the "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X." Post about him online. Spread this article around. This is your first step.

Your second step involves NOT being on the computer. The second step is the hard one. Have a sit-down talk with yourself and be brutally honest. Not about your flaws, not about what you hate about your body, nothing negative. Have a talk with yourself about what makes you feel awesome. Talk it out loud, write it down, lay things out - put things in front of you that make you smile and think "Dude, this is great!" You are allowed to have pretty dresses. You are allowed to have a pair of perfectly holey jean shorts. You are allowed to have makeup, or Spice Girls CDs, or leggings, or a pair of your brother's cargo pants. Whatever makes YOU feel wonderful, surround yourself with those things. Feel comfortable with those things - tell yourself all the reasons these things make YOU feel amazing. Remind yourself, often and verbally, that YOUR wants and desires and taste matters.

Beware - you may hear the irritable, buzzing voice of the "Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X." It may come in the form of a Cosmo cover, or a rerun of Joan Rivers body-snarking some female celebrity, or even a well-meaning relative. Stuff in your figurative headphones - or your literal ones, if you find that helps. Block out the presence of our subject by reminding yourself of everything that makes you feel amazing. Anything that seeks to invalidate your wants, desires, and taste is to be rubbed out during this step.

Step three is the hardest of all - act upon step two. Choose an outfit - ANY outfit - and wear it in complete defiance of our subject. Tell everyone around you, LOUDLY, that this is what you are doing. Encourage them to do it too. Whatever you are doing or wearing or saying, do it confidently from your own place in the universe. Reject the opinion of our subject, even if you have to say out loud at the top of your voice, "NO, Theoretical Random White Cis-Het Male X - I do not give a shit about what you think I should do or be." The more we practice saying that and doing that, the less power our subject has.

This has been the first installment of Magical Girl Power's "Field Guide to Misogyny." We hope you'll tune in next time for the "You Can't-er." For now, practice your rejection of today's subject.

Marigold, wishing you a happy Monday, over and out!

Just an observation - sort of like birdwatching!!!

I'm not entirely sure how this came up in a conversation between my mom and myself last night, but something brought this subject to our attention. I think it may have had something to do with Marie Antoinette and this book I found in the library years ago but can't remember the title of. Maybe it was something period on television. Either way, I've got no idea, but the bottom line was this: humans are basically birds in reverse.

Before you look at me like I'm entirely warped in the head (don't worry, I know that already!) hear me out on something. Human fashion, for as long as we've had visual records of human fashion, has been far more decorative and elaborate on women, from everything I've found. If you find something to the contrary, please send it to me because I'd love to see it! I did a little digging and everything I found supported the birds-in-reverse theory. I started Googling formalwear for men and women around the world. I tried to find traditional where I could.

Japan, for men - exact Google search "formal kimono for men":

I have to say, for the sake of full disclosure, I am by no means an expert on fashion of any kind. I don't know what the nuances of the colors mean or anything else. I know that the little white stamps on the back are called "mon" and I believe they bear family crests. If anybody can correct me on that, please do so.

Japan, for women - exact Google search "furisode":

I do know enough about kimono to know that the formal kimono for an unmarried woman is called a furisode. I don't know if this one is specifically for the coming-of-age ceremony at 20 years of age, but please notice the differences. The man's kimono is in very subdued, neutral colors, just like most female birds. The woman's furisode is brilliantly colored and the sleeves look almost like wings. They're almost like a male and female cardinal with their color schemes done in reverse!

Korea, for men and women - exact Google search "Korean mens formal attire traditional":

I can't be entirely sure, but from the episode of M*A*S*H I've seen that featured a traditional Korean wedding, I think this may be wedding hanbok. At first, I thought "hanbok" was just the word for Korean women's clothing, but it looks like it might just be the word for clothing! In this case, yes, the man is wearing red too, but his outfit is nowhere near as jewel-toned or elaborate as the lady's.

 This is a picture from the movie of the musical 1776. The costuming is pretty accurate to the period. Notice a pattern here?

I'm no sociologist or psychologist or fashion-ologist or any other kind of "-ologist" you can think of. I'm just a feminist on the internet who happens to notice things every once in a while. There's a million and one implications that can be made out of this pattern, I think. I think some implications are definitely feminist, and I think some are definitely patriarchal. However, in my world, feminism means that everyone has the right to choose what fashion means to them.

The only "-ologist" I come anywhere close to being is a zoologist. I can say, from a zoological viewpoint, that I have never seen a species that treats one gender or the other the way humans treat women. Hyenas are EXTREMELY matriarchal, but you generally don't see packs of female hyenas setting upon and killing a male hyena because they didn't like the look of him. Gorillas are led by a silverback male, but females who do not want to participate in sex have been known to swat oncoming males with sticks while hooting at them in a threatening manner. Bonobos use sex to say "hi" - no joke. No species I've ever heard of so systematically enacts violence and death against its own kind. It doesn't make any kind of species-survival sense to do that.

Just... from what you see here - the "birds-in-reverse" dynamic, what are your thoughts? I'm really interested to hear them. Also, where did we get this whole "stomp women into the ground" mentality that has swept our entire world? I'm quite sure that a great deal of it happens to have to do with colonialism, but I'm nowhere near caffeinated enough to do a whole spiel on that right this second.

Marigold, wishing you a wonderful Wednesday, over and out!
 

Big News: I struggle too.

Go ahead. Call me a hypocrite. Call me a "bad" feminist. Call me whatever you like.

I'm going to level with you. I struggle very heavily with my own body issues, for however much I encourage other people to love their own bodies. Every day, my brain bombards me with things I would never dream of saying to another person. If I heard someone else telling another person the things my brain tells me, I would become violently angry. Again, on the level - I am seeking therapy. It's for more than just body image issues, but that is a large-scale part of it.

Just a sample of what goes through my head every day:

"Dear god, look how fat you are!"
"What the hell is wrong with you, you pig!"
-when eating- "That's it, piggy - snuffle in that trough."
"No WONDER your clothes don't fit, fatty!"

I have my own reasons for hating literally every single part of my body, with the exception of the Hidden Mickey that is my amygdala (look it up!).

Okay, now that all that is out of the way, listen to me, if you still can:

I DO NOT WANT ANY ONE EVER TO FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THEIR BODY AS I DO ABOUT MINE!

Please, if you hear the same voices in your head - the ones telling you that your worth is equal to the sum of the failings of your body, please get help. I need feminism to help me realize that these thoughts are not normal. I need feminism so that I can help myself and other women to stop accepting the things we say to ourselves that we would SLAP someone else for saying to us!

If I could trouble you to read something right quickly for you, this article inspired the writing of today's post: The Fitting Room Trenches: Fighting the War with the Mirror.

In there, they describe the articles women are bombarded with every day - the ones about constantly having to fix or improve ourselves. You know what those articles are doing, no matter how much we claim to be strong and unaffected by them? THEY ARE KILLING US. It happens every time someone looks in the mirror and wilts at what they see.

"Nobody will ever love me with THESE thighs..."
"Ugh, I look like a crack-whore with this hair."
"No wonder my boyfriend left me - she's prettier."

With every thought like that, something inside that person dies. It's like if you're watching Peter Pan and you just... stop clapping. And those advertising agencies (AND THE PATRIARCHY!) are making absolutely obscene amounts of money on these killing thoughts. As long as we're killing ourselves to "improve" this, that, and the other thing, they can keep selling shit we don't need.

You need soap to wash dirt and sweat and all kinds of goop off your skin - not to make your stretch marks disappear.
You need shampoo to wash ick out of your hair - not to land you a relationship.
You need a toothbrush and toothpaste so you don't get cavities and your teeth don't fall out - not because you're worthless if your teeth don't look like Chiclets.

Anything else, buy it because YOU want it. If you want to wear a full face of makeup and dress to the nines all the time, do it! Enjoy it! If you want to never, ever wear makeup and never, ever dress up ever, do that! Enjoy that too! If you want to never do the same thing two days in a row, that's fucking awesome! Just... whatever you're doing, please do it for YOU and to help yourself love yourself.

Example: I wear makeup and put on nice clothes because it actually helps me feel less depressed. When I perceive myself as looking better, I find myself feeling better. On the days when it's the hardest, when I've been wearing my pajamas for three days, I need to dress up the most. And I have had people tell me that I cannot be a feminist and wear makeup/dress up, because that's "feeding the patriarchy." No, I say! It's not feeding THE patriarchy - it's fighting MY depression. In my world, feminism means taking the focus OFF of the perceptions of cisgender men. So what the hell - if I put on makeup and a dress and that makes me look "conventionally attractive" to cisgender men, so fucking what? I'm not concerned with Random Cisgender Man X's opinion when I put on that makeup and those pretty clothes. I'm just concerned with making the voice in my head that says "You'll never be worth anything, you fat whore!" shut up for a little while.

The points of this writing:

1. Even feminists can and do have body image issues, so can the body-shaming. Can it!
2. We really need to stop body-shaming OURSELVES, cos it's counterproductive. I'm working on it.
3. Look however YOU want to, for YOU.

Thank you for bearing with me this lovely Friday, my friends - this is Marigold, OUT!

Elizabeth Short

Hey, sorry for the extended hiatus.

A bunch of stuff happened in my personal life that made blogging not a thing that was happening. I'd spend a few paragraphs apologizing for that, but that isn't what this one's about. Perhaps at a later date, I may go into light detail about what made this summer so crazy and all. Right now, though, it's three days to Halloween, I'm still a feminist, and I've got something to say.

This past Saturday, I went out with some friends to have a few drinks and generally drag my sorry carcass out of the house for a few hours. Expecting me to say something about the "typical" Halloween costume for women right now? Nope, sorry - totally out of luck there because I don't buy into body policing! Suffice it to say, I went the "I have a dress and now I have an excuse to wear it" route. My friend Raven is a stitch-witch and she made this BEAUTIFUL black dress for a performance and I was honored to have another reason to wear it! I sat down in my dressing area with my big mirror and I started getting ready.

Shameless costume bragging: I did totally awesome vintage-y hair and makeup. I call it my Elphaba tribute setup. Green, glittery eyes with black winged eyeliner and lots of mascara on my top lashes... Shimmer cream instead of blush... For a finale, red lipstick with red glitter brushed on over it. Yes, I thought it was right genius to dip a Q-tip in Mehron Barrier Spray and blot that on over it. Okay, yeah, that's enough of that. Back to the whole point of this!

Long story short - put my dress on, threw a vintage greatcoat over it (yay, Goodwill find!) and headed downtown. Parked my car, headed to a coffee shop to wait for my friends to come meet me - sounds pretty standard, right? Well, after people in costumes began to surface, people started to ask me "Well, what are you?" I hadn't really gone out with the intention of anything beyond "Elphaba tribute/kinda pin-up thing," so I didn't have much of an answer. So, I fished around for something more interesting than that to say about it. Then I thought about marathoning American Horror Story, first season, with Raven while she finished the dress...

"Elizabeth Short," I told curious inquirers.

"Who's that?" they would ask.

"The Black Dahlia," I told them.

Of course, THAT'S when the recognition or sort-of recognition would dawn on them. And that is when I started to think. I didn't like what I wound up thinking about. After thinking some more, I sat down to write all this.

Okay, here's a little history lesson. Elizabeth Short led a short and rather troubled life that ended in Los Angeles on January 15, 1947 when she was murdered by an unknown perpetrator. A young mother with her toddler discovered Short's body in the Leimert Park area of Los Angeles. The media of the time went nuts. It is Edgar Allan Poe who said something to the effect that there is nothing so poetic as the death of a beautiful young woman. The sort of macabre cult interest in the "Black Dahlia" murder is sick proof of that.

On the television show Criminal Minds, the team makes extra effort to say things like "Don't name the killer" and "Don't give them that fame." It is right that they say these things. Name me three American serial killers. You're maybe thinking Charles Manson, Ed Gein, the Green River Killer, the Zodiac, Son of Sam... You history buffs may think of Albert Fish and H. H. Holmes. Here's another question, though: Can you name me even ONE victim? Okay, Sharon Tate. I'm not even going to bother giving my full rant on how nuts it is that serial killers have fans and followers while nobody remembers the names of the victims 

Sharon Tate. Go Google her. This is the first sentence in her Google blurb: "Sharon Marie Tate was an American actress and sex symbol." She was white. She was pretty. She was married to Roman Polanski. And she was murdered. Any movie buffs out there? What was she in? Oh, right... Does it matter? She was that sexy girl who was murdered. It's almost like we fetishize murdered (white!) women. 

Okay, back to Elizabeth Short. What was she like? Did she like to dance? Who was her favorite singer? What was her favorite book? Nobody remembers those things. For most people, nobody ever does, so that's not all THAT unusual, is it? I bet you couldn't tell me Ingrid Bergman's favorite song when she was sixteen - that's not what people become famous for. But Ms. Short... Her ONLY claim to fame is being brutally murdered, dismembered, and then discarded like garbage. The crime scene photos are actually pretty well available on the Internet and are objects of fascination, from what I gather. In the words of Timon, "And everybody's... okay with this?"

I'm not. I saw her portrayed as an unhealthy nymphomaniac paying for acting auditions with sex on American Horror Story. I saw her added to the script of the show in... actually pretty decent writing, in my opinion. It made me wonder, though... What was she really like? The Wikipedia said she had trouble with asthma and bronchitis. I can't even find anything that says she WAS an aspiring actress. Are we now just making this murdered woman into a character and remembering things about her that aren't even true? 

So, I'm Elizabeth Short for Halloween. Sure, you saw her on American Horror Story. Whatever, right? No. Not whatever. There's not much that can be done now to right that wrong. There's no killer. There's no closure. However, in my own heart, I am choosing to think about Miss Elizabeth Short and what she might have been like as a person. I want to give her a little glimpse of life again while I go out and enjoy myself and continue trying to make the world a better place. I'm not saying forget her name - remember it! Remember, however, that she was a human person like yourself. Remember that she had dreams. Remember that she was more than a crime scene photo or an object of macabre curiosity.

Elizabeth, I'm talking to you, sweetie - let's go out and have a good time, shall we? I'm Marigold and I won't forget you.

"Slutty slutty slut!" and going to bat for Miley Cyrus

Okay, the only bit I caught of the... was it the VMA's? was the N*Sync reunion thingy. For the record, I remain Team Backstreet Boys and was largely unimpressed. I don't know who won what, and quite frankly, since Josh Groban wasn't involved, I don't much care. Since I didn't watch any of the rest of the show, I didn't figure I would have to think about it anymore. Yeah, I would have been more than okay not to think about it anymore. Awards shows since the Kids' Choice Awards about ten or twelve years ago have about left me cold.

But no, apparently that's not how it works.

This is me stating for all time, I am not and nor have I ever been a fan of Miley Cyrus. Watched a couple episodes of the show on my brother's recommendation, but I found iCarly more entertaining. Over the years, yeah, of course I heard all the Miley fallout - her brief period as "America's sweetheart" and her (HOW DARE SHE!?) steps away from Disney Channel child superstardom. At first, I was just sick and tired of hearing about her - "Why's she such a big deal?" was my question. Then I started hearing (some of it sort of retroactively) about things like counting down to the young lady's eighteenth birthday. That's when some of the stuff I was hearing started to sort of rub me the wrong way - I know what it's like to have people get really nasty when you don't stay what they want. I shrugged most of it off because celebrity gossip isn't something I usually give a whole lot of thought to. Honestly, I figured there'd be a big explosive scandal and then she'd fade off into the background when something else happened. More about that later, though.

Every time somebody opens their mouth about whatever the heck Miley did at the VMA's, all I hear is "Slutty slutty slut!"

Here's Salon.com's take on it.

I really can't say much on the subject of music videos, given that I don't watch them terribly frequently - usually it's something of Tarkan (incredibly attractive Turkish singer) that my friend K. sends me. Also, I don't know what "ratchet" is. Sorry, I really don't. I've heard some of the "Miley + ratchet + cultural appropriation" fallout, but I've got my own opinions on some of that. I'm also really not sure what "twerking" is. Oh, and by the way, most of the "Slutty slutty slut!" battle cry that I've seen is coming from other women, just FYI! Ladies, what have I said about tearing each other down!? I don't care about your unreasoning pathological hatred of Hannah Montana or whatever. If you have nothing constructive to say, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

AH! AHHHHH! THIS IS IT! I couldn't have said it better myself:

"Last night’s performance brought the public’s perception of Cyrus one step closer to the “crazy” narrative — the casually misogynistic, “OMG, quick, look at another crazy, fucked up, slutty girl go down.” It’s often a white girl, because they’re more commonly featured in our dominantly white cultural narrative. But black female performers are criticized too, sometimes in racialized ways.  Lauryn Hill, Rihanna and other popular performers have been portrayed as dangerous, sexually transgressive and unhinged.  Lauryn Hill went so far as to sing, “I’m not crazy,” at one point.  Our cultural obsessions with the mega flame-outs of Britney Spears, Amanda Bynes, Lindsay Lohan, Whitney Houston and other “troubled divas” have been epic.  And the democratizing effects of the Internet now mean that this kind of micro-examination of girls’ lives and actions is by no means limited to celebrities."

Uh, yeah, about that last line - it's NEVER been limited to celebrities. Every generation spends hours and hours upon days and weeks and months over-thinking every aspect of FEMALE. It's how things like witch burnings and female genital mutilation happened and continue to happen. It's how "Slutty slutty slut!" is the absolute worst thing (besides FAT!) a female can be. Also, I am now laughing myself silly at the "you may also like" that links to a headline about Rush Limbaugh. God forbid, RUSH FUCKING LIMBAUGH be offended by Miley Cyrus. But moving on, I just wanted to say one thing about something that keeps popping up in the running commentary.

"Her daddy screwed up."

FALSE! (Thank you, Katie, for giving me "FALSE!" as a comeback. I love you!) This kind of shit gets my hackles up like nothing else in the world. Look at the sentence: it implies that she - everything about her, like her SEXUALITY! - belongs to her father. Okay, I remember the Vanity Fair shitstorm. I think I saw the pictures once? Okay, she got topless around her dad. HE CHANGED HER DIAPERS, I would assume! Just... fucking ew. Assuming that a young woman "belongs to daddy" until Prince goddamn Charming comes along to ask for her hand (more objectification!) is shit. Complete shit. I do not know the Cyrus family personally. I've never met Billy Ray, never met Miley --- and I'm sure most of the people posting about this never have either! Yes, parents do a lot to shape their children's world view, for good or ill. However, eventually everyone, the parents included, has to get it through their head that the offspring is no longer A child (yes, they'll always be THEIR child) and is their own person.

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Oh, and on a related topic: learn the difference in "I don't like something" and "Something is wrong." You can dislike something all you want, but your personal dislike of something does not make it wrong. You can have your personal opinion of how you think a certain performance should go or what a performer should be doing or whatever. If they fail to coincide with your opinion, you can say "I don't like that." Calling it "wrong" is pretty fucking entitled, in my opinion. It's like you're saying "Everything has to be just the way I like it and I'm going to throw a temper tantrum if it's not."

On this same subject: learn the difference in "wrong" and "incorrect." They are not always direct synonyms. Someone can be doing a thing incorrectly - that has to do with their technique. However, the thing they are doing incorrectly may not necessarily be wrong - that is a value judgement. And doing something "incorrectly" is not always bad. Example - a person is attempting to build a bird house. That is probably not wrong. This same person is attempting to drive in a nail with a shoe. That is incorrect - they should be using a hammer. If, however, the shoe is getting the nail into the piece of wood so that the bird house is coming together okay, then they're probably fine.

The point of the stupid example - you can NOT LIKE that someone is building a bird house with a shoe, but saying that it is WRONG for them to do so is pretty dumb. You're holding them responsible for your feelings, so you can go sit in the back of the bus with the homophobes and the friend-zoners and the people who freak out about exposed breasts.


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Also, I have a whole 'nother spiel about how we treat attention-grabbing behaviors in boys versus girls. I'm not going to go into a whole lot of detail here and now, because Criminal Minds is about to come on and I need to walk my dog, but I'll at least give you a little of my own experience:

"Attention" was a dirty word when I was growing up. I was discouraged from "drawing attention" to myself. I couldn't do theater, couldn't try out for solos in chorus, and I fought with my mom about clothing. I realize that last one is normal, and I also realize partially where it comes from. My mom (I love her!) is painfully shy. She would rather go Steve Irwin on a seasick crocodile than have anyone look at her for any reason. I'm almost the complete opposite... I mean, I'd still help the crocodile, but I'm a performer by nature. I sang and danced all the time as a kid. I like being around cameras and onstage. And, for some reason, throughout my entire formative years and adolescence and all that, that was a horrible, bad thing that made me a horrible, bad person.

Obviously, I don't think I'm that bad. I'm kind of a screwball and my personality is big - that makes it hard for some people to know how to respond to me. Does that make me a bad person, though? Apparently. However, dudes with big personalities who are kinda screwy are lauded - they're class clowns and cute and funny and all that shit.

Just look at the difference there. We tell all kids "express yourselves and do your own thing." When guys actually do it, they're individuals at best and "rebels" at worst - but the "rebel" thing is seen as attractive. When girls actually do it, we say "No! That's not right/ladylike!" or tell them that makes people uncomfortable. The message there is "Fold up and disappear, because everybody matters more than you." Fuck that.

You know what? I never thought I'd be saying this, but you go Miley Cyrus! Do what you do and continue to be your own person unapologetically. Continue to make people uncomfortable. PLEASE make people uncomfortable! Keep making us analyze how we treat females who "misbehave." You're doing something really important. You're really exposing how misogynistic our society as a whole is, particularly in regards to society-wide slut-shaming.

Oh, and one last note: can we stop using "slut" the same way we use "fat"? Like that's the worst thing a female person can be? J.K. Rowling said it best: "'Fat' is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her. I mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring', or 'cruel'?" She doesn't think so. For my sake, take a second and re-read that quote with "slut" where the word "fat" is. Is "slut" really the worst thing anybody can be ever? Take these words for what they really are: dismissals. "You don't matter because fat" is the exact same as "You don't matter because slut." The message is exactly the same as spitting the word "attention" at someone who likes to perform, and that message is "FOLD UP AND DISAPPEAR." Apparently, it is the responsibility of women to make sure nobody is ever offended, ever.

Fuck that. Seriously... If you don't like something, be honest - say "I don't like that." If you don't agree with something, be honest too - say "I disagree with that." I'm not saying you have to like and agree with everything because that would be stupid. Oh, and if your reason is "I don't like it because slut" or "I disagree because slut", then go away. Just seriously, go away.

Marigold, feeling beautiful and serene in the days before DragonCon, wishing you a happy and safe Labor Day weekend if I don't talk to you before!!!

A Good Man at the Good Men Project!

I love waking up to something I love! *grumps* Nevermind that it's almost 2 in the afternoon - I've done enough today without being awake and got enough going on besides! Okay, I'm still in the process of reading this one, so give me just a minute to think on it and process it. Wait a tic! I'm being a mite selfish! Here! Y'all read it too!

It's called "Why Women Aren't Crazy" - go read it!!!

You know, just a few paragraphs in - get to the bit about the Bergman/Boyer picture - this stuff already makes a lot of sense! Yashar Ali recognizes and points out with no bones about it, how people (of ALL genders!) constantly berate women about their emotions. Let me level with you on something very, very personal that is quite relevant to this article and its subject:

My dad is not at all well. He's been in ICU in the hospital here in my home town since Monday, July 8th. Given that I don't have my mom's official okay on how much to post here, I'll be brief. Long story short, we've got a 50/50 chance of celebrating Father's Day next year. Things are not looking good. This turn of events is coming after my mom enacted a legal separation with my dad - one that has been very long in coming. ALL of this is coming after watching my dad deal (very poorly at that) with his alcoholism since he retired when I was a junior in high school - 7 years ago.

Now, it seems to me that I should be expected to be a touch wonky during this exceptionally trying time. However, I have discovered that 90% of everyone I deal with seems to think they know how I should handle it, because obviously I'm doing it wrong. I keep hearing from all sides "You're just being over-dramatic - he's not THAT sick" and "Aren't you blowing things a little out of proportion?" (That one always comes with this disgusting tone of faux-sympathy.) My personal favorite is "Aren't you making this all about you?" - that one's the tune and refrain every single time I express anger.

I realize my situation is quite extreme at the present moment and not everyone is dealing with something like this or WILL deal with something like this. I pray to every god in existence that you, my beloveds, never ever do. However, I feel the point is valid in sharing it with you because of one reason: no matter what it is, if a woman expresses ANY negative emotion, she's "nuts."

Here's the problem with all of that, quoted direct from the article above.

"Gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel."

Oh, and don't even get me started with "What, are you on your period?" Loath as I am to resort to violence, with how short my fuse is recently, that phrase is an instant trigger to a punch in the teeth. If you're a man (assuming you were born male), you've never had one, so you don't get to say that. If you're a woman (assuming you were born female), you've had one, so you don't get to either. Actually, I'd say woman-on-woman gaslighting is worse. We expect it from men - fathers, boyfriends, brothers, guys at school/work. If you're female, please do not contribute doubly to the problem by gaslighting other women and diminishing the possibility for healthy female relationships.

But refer to the last sentence of that block-quote again (and be proud of me for figuring out how to use the block-quote feature). And here's another block-quote for you that actually sums it up better than I could. I'd tip my hat to Mr. Ali, but I haven't got a hat.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy.”

Y'all... This is a man who gets it, and gets it good. It isn't something one person dreamed up one day to "keep us down." It's something that our society does day in and day out, month after month, year upon year, and generation to generation. Well, you may ask, where does it stop?

Go look in a mirror. Yep! YOU. I don't care if you're male, female, whatever gender you happen to identify yourself as. Forgive my total lack of filter, but I don't bloody care if you identify as a spayed English Sheepdog! YOU, YOU, YOU, have the power to help stop societal gaslighting. "Oh, but Marigold!" you may exclaim. "How can I do that with society as a whole standing in my way?"

Here we go: next time someone expresses a negative emotion (don't care about THEIR gender either, come to that), and you open your mouth to say "You're being too dramatic/sensitive/selfish/whatever"... DON'T! You might think they truly are being a nut about it. When a person is upset is not the time to put in your two cents unless they directly ask you for help. Oh, and don't tell them to "Calm down" either. Just don't. (Read that in Captain America's voice.) Yep, it's as simple as that. When a person is upset, it kinda doesn't matter how you think they should feel about it. It matters how they feel about it and that it needed to come out. Try words like:

"I'm so sorry."

"Is there any way I can help?"

"What do you need?/Is there anything you need?"

"Would you like to talk?"

I don't care if you're the "fixer" kind of personality. A lot of the time, what you need to understand is that someone coming to you with a problem is not asking for help. Most people, when they want help, will ask for it. In the situation of "not asking for help," generally what they want is for you to listen. A lot of this societal gaslighting thing seems to come from a general refusal to listen to anybody at any time ever. Everybody wants to be heard, but nobody wants to listen. To a person dealing with a negative emotion like anger, sadness, or frustration, a general refusal to listen boils down in its purest form to "I don't matter."

Yeah, when you're telling someone that they're "dramatic" or "sensitive" or "crazy" or "out of proportion" or what have you, you are telling them "YOU DO NOT MATTER." Can you do that to someone in good conscience? If you can, I feel sorry for you. If you didn't realize that's how it came across, I want to give you a hug. Now you know and you can fix it! This one, like every other problem, starts getting fixed with you.

Oh, by the way... I don't normally do things like this, but I'm going to ask that all of my readers please pray for me and my family. I don't particularly care what deity you pray to or how you pray to them. Just... please... We're having a really hard time and we could use all the prayers and love and good energy and hugs that we can get.

Marigold, sending out love and good energy cos you gotta give 'em to get 'em, wishing you well!

Breaking down "Schrodinger's Rapist"

Recently, I read an article on WordPress and posted it to my Facebook page. No, I'm not posting my Facebook page on this blog, sorry! There has been a great deal of debate going up on my page about the article. First thing I'm going to do is post a link to the article itself.

The Schrodinger's Rapist Article. Please read before commenting.

From what I've seen on Facebook, a great deal more women agree with the article than do men. The argument I've been hearing from men on my Facebook is this: "How dare you speak of all men as if 50% of them could be rapists?" While I do understand the indignation, I maintain that it is impossible for a cisgender male to understand the absolute terror that can come with being born female. I asked my friend P. [name withheld] to read the "Schrodinger's Rapist" article again from a different perspective.

If you haven't yet, please read the article presented in the link above. The commentary to follow is directly related. I was born female, so I feel pretty qualified to explain this. I know I do not speak for all females ever, but I have heard enough assenting commentary/conversation that I am confident in what I say.

Guys, I need you to use your imaginations. Tomorrow morning, you wake up and you were born female. You get out of bed and you go to your closet. You run over in your head where all you're going today and try to dress accordingly. Simple, right? There's different clothes you wear to different places, right? Well, right... to an extent. Are you driving or walking or using public transportation? Let's say you're using public transportation. That affects how you dress today. Say you want to wear that adorable pencil skirt you bought last week... Do you get to? Depends on if you want to run the risk of everything from leers and stares to having obscenities shouted at you to actually being touched.

Congratulations - you haven't even left your BEDROOM and you've just encountered the Schrodinger's rapist concept. A THEORETICAL man you have never even laid eyes on just affected your wardrobe choice. You put the pencil skirt back in the closet and choose some slacks. You get on the bus and you go to work. When you get there, the air conditioner is broken, but you leave your jacket on anyway, because you don't want to get blamed if your male coworkers stare. If one of them complains, YOU are going to be reprimanded - you could even lose your job.

Back on the bus after work. You pull a book out of your purse and try your best to radiate "leave me alone" to every other human being in the near vicinity. There's this one guy. He starts trying to talk to you. He might be a homeless man. He might look like he's in college. He might be Robert Downey Jr. The fact that he's talking to you makes you wonder what he wants. You heard about the incident where a man started screaming and berating and cursing at a woman who didn't want to talk to him on a subway in New York - it circulated through most of your Facebook friends. You can't tell this guy on the bus, "Look, I'm really not interested in conversation right now - please let me read." If you do, 1. you're a horrible bitch and 2. you have no way of knowing if this guy's going to do like the guy in the blog incident.

This guy on the bus... Again, he may be a Nobel Peace Prize winner AND a doctor AND a lawyer AND an Indian chief. The fact that he won't leave you alone makes you nervous. He is now, no matter how good a person he may be, Schrodinger's rapist. You are making it non-verbally clear that you do not want to talk to him, yet he insists. If you talk to him, you feed the behavior and he talks more, making you more uncomfortable. If you don't talk to him, you run the risk of him pushing more, possibly starting to shout, maybe causing a scene. To boot, by social "law", any adverse reaction on his part is your fault. You weren't "nice" enough. You were a "bitch."

And you have no idea how fast or how far this guy's behavior may escalate if he decides he doesn't like something about you.

Doesn't it sound paranoid? Doesn't it sound extreme? Yeah, yeah it does, when you weren't born female and haven't actually had these experiences before, many more than you are even physically capable of documenting because they happen so frequently. Maybe they're not the scale or intensity of the guy on the bus. There's the guy leering at you in the Barnes & Noble - maybe today's the day he'll follow you to your car. There's the way your lady friend's boyfriend makes you uncomfortable when he drinks too much at parties, and how it's YOUR responsibility to excuse yourself away from him - and it happens time after time. There's the icky feeling you get in your stomach when you're working closing shift and you have to take inventory of all your male coworkers. Which one of them is it safe to ask "Will you walk me to my car?" Because remember, if you didn't have someone walk you to your car and something bad happens, it's your fault. If you ask the wrong male coworker and something bad happens, it's still your fault. Maybe you could have asked a female coworker, or maybe you're the last woman to leave the building.

There are a thousand and one little instances of the Schrodinger's rapist concept in a woman's life every freaking day - many of them do not even involve a flesh-and-blood man. That theoretical man who might leer, stare, holler, grab... or rape? You don't even have to see him. You just have to know he's out there. And he affects your life in such intimate ways that if you were not born female, you can never understand what it's like to live without him.

Go read the original article again. Try to read it from the perspective of a woman who's sitting on her couch going, "This makes me sick because I know that guy." Understand that the article is not meant to alienate or bad-mouth anyone. It's meant to communicate a permanent state of mind because whatever horrible things happen to women, it is our fault. Our bodies are public property. Understand that when we say "No man comes with a zero risk factor," we aren't trying to condemn you personally - we're just trying to protect ourselves. Understand how "boys will be boys" and how it permeates every thread of the fabric of our society leaves women perpetually unsure of their personal safety. Do not take it personally.

But please, please be angry. Please be angry at guys you see pestering women who clearly do not want to talk. Please be angry when you hear girls being told how to prevent their own rapes. Please be angry at examples of male entitlement - street harassment, "boys will be boys". Please be angry at how the "rape schedule" (look it up) governs every moment of  life as a woman. Please be angry that articles like "Schrodinger's Rapist" NEED to be written to communicate how terrifying the experience of being female can be! Please be FURIOUS!

Please get angry enough to DO something... besides attack us.

Exams Are Over!

No, this post is not about my exams being over - it's just an explanation of why Tuesday and Thursday went by without any sort of post. Well, it is officially summertime now, so blogging may experience a revamp in schedule, particularly as I lose track of days...

Okay! Following a conversation with my friend N. [name redacted], I have decided to return to a blogging subject very near and dear to me.

As some of you may know, yesterday was a very special day for the Walt Disney Company, hereafter referred to as the Disney Empire. On May 11, 2013, Princess Merida of Castle DunBragh appeared for her coronation as the eleventh Official Disney Princess.

Excuse me... wrong Eleventh!

That one! Yes, Merida (apparently with assistance from Angus - picture is not from coronation ceremony) appeared in the Magic Kingdom yesterday to receive her crown. In true Eleventh fashion, Merida broke with tradition in her coronation.

Yes, Merida was crowned by her mother, Queen Elinor. I don't have the whatsis to go hunting all over Tumblr for the picture I saw yesterday, but here's the gist of it: Princess Tiana was crowned by Prince Naveen. Princess Rapunzel was crowned by Eugene Fitzherbert, alias Flynn Rider. And then it hit me... I scrambled to look up the "Official Disney Princess" lineup, even though I have it memorized. Just needed to see it.

Can you tell me how each of these princesses is similar? There's one answer I'm looking for, and it specifically relates to Merida. Okay, I'll go on and tell you. I am absolutely, positively not knocking any of the Disney Princesses for anything. I think they're all incredibly special and wonderful in their own ways and they all have their own strengths, gifts, and badassness. Merida, however, is the only Disney Princess to remain single by the end of her movie.

I'm just saying. I do not think it is anti-feminist or weak or whatever to have a relationship/get married/whatever. I just think it's really neat that Merida's big step forward at the end was mending her relationship with her mom and becoming a badass leader in her own right. Yes, she had the same issue as Jasmine, and they handled it DIFFERENT ways. That's freaking fantastic! Mulan and Belle had issues in the same vein, and they all handled it the way THEY were meant to!

I want to see people stop tearing the Disney Princesses down for this, that, and the other thing. Tearing someone down, even a character, is not going to get you what you want, and it makes you look terribly petty, in my opinion. Instead, focus on things that ARE badass and awesome. You know what? New summer blogging project. I'm watching every last Disney Princess movie and doing a spotlight on the featured princess, starting with Snow White and finishing with Brave. Then I can just focus on being excited for Frozen!

Marigold, with Disney on the brain, wishing everyone a happy Mother's Day!

This is all kinds of not fucking okay.

Take a second to take a look at this.

Yeah...

Oh, by the way, do NOT tell me I am "taking things too seriously" or "it's just a joke." The hard fact is, if a woman is murdered, it is most likely (per case) to be by an intimate partner. Doesn't matter if they're married, doesn't matter if they had a one-time thing... This is just way effing not-okay. I'm fine with the targets of zombie lawn critters. This? No. Just all kinds of no.

This is just this side of actively encouraging violence against women.

Okay, I know what catharsis is. If you want to make Sims of all your exes and then burn the house down, I think that's probably fairly harmless. I know I've made a few "voodoo Sims" in my time. Seriously, though? Encouraging a real person to put real bullets in a real firearm and shoot them at an actual target that bears disturbing resemblance to another real person? Yeah, I think that may qualify as cultivating psychotic behavior.

This is disgusting. Normally, I do not state my opinions as if they were fact, but this really is. With rates of domestic violence in this country being what they are, there is no excuse for this. Add to that how many instances of domestic violence include the use of a gun, whether or not the weapon is actually discharged? Yeah, let me just say, if you think this bloody thing is funny, I no longer wish to know you.

If you read the article, you can tell these people don't exactly have a history of products in good taste. I don't care what your view on the President of the United States is - it's not a good idea to produce a target that resembles a living individual. Yes, I am aware of the history of effigies. The fact that people do it does not make it a good idea. They pulled that product, and now it's time for people to let them know that they need to pull this one. If I were you, I would be encouraging any firearm-enthusiast friends not to patronize this company at all.

If you are so upset with your former partner that you feel the need to point a REAL GUN at something resembling or representing that person, I encourage you to seek professional help. No, I'm not being patronizing there. Every single gun-related death, I believe, is a preventable one. If you think you may have the desire to harm someone, own up and take responsibility. I, for one, will not judge you for doing the right thing and getting help.

So, all in all, this just made it to the top of my rage list. I'm going to cut this off before it becomes a full-blown screaming rant that can be heard on the moons of Neptune. All of my lovely readers, now is the time for you to rise up and bring forth your squirrel to the bagel shop! No, wait... that's not right. Now is the time for you to send some sort of communication to this company, even if you are not their patron, and inform them of your displeasure. I'm not saying to be rude or mean - that doesn't solve anything or make them listen. Instead, take the time to write something well-thought-out to tell them that this product has no place in distribution.

Have fun making "voodoo Sims"!

Marigold, done with exams, over and out!

Glad I did that post yesterday...

Apologies, folks...

I am ill once again.

Off to enjoy Phenargen, naps, and struggling through tomorrow.

Surprise Wednesday post!

I was skimming through my Facebook feed when I saw something the lovely, wonderful, sweet, and talented Persephone Phoenix shared:

Here's the link, just in case!

Ladies, have you ever felt this way at a con? No matter your size, shape, color, ability, what have you - has someone been unkind about your body at a con? Well, it's happened to me. It's happened to me at my lowest weight, which I estimate at about 102, and my highest weight - approximately 160. (Measurements are in pounds cuz I'm a dumb American...) I've heard it happen to other ladies - built similarly to me, built just like me, and built totally different from me - and it's not okay. 

We deserve to LOVE to love our geekiness. All of us. Those of us who are size 2, those of us who are size 22, those of us above or below or anywhere in between. It is a gift to love something, to have passion for it, and you deserve to love that gift. 

I'll reference my article on being excellent to each other again: we have GOT to stop tearing each other down and stop letting OTHER ladies be unkind to each other. It supports a culture in which our bodies are public property - where any schmuck on the street can say just whatever they please to us. When you hear people being jerks, SAY SOMETHING! Make it known that we aren't going to shut up and take it and neither should anybody else!

Gents... I am disappointed. Not calling out anybody individually here, but I am disappointed. I hear guys complain and complain about women at cons. Guess what? You have absolutely nothing to complain about. Look around at every woman at a con you go to. Think about how many, for every single one you see, stayed home for fear of harassment and body shaming. Imagine if every last one of those women who stayed home - whether out of fear, shame, or just being sick of it all - actually came to the con. Really, sit there and have a think about that. I'm no great shakes at math, but if there's 10,000 women at a con (hypothetical number) and for each one of them, five women stayed home because of body shaming... If I was a guy attracted to girls, I would be wailing and gnashing my teeth in the street! Then, I would get up off my butt and start thinking of how I could get those ladies to come to the con! How could I make cons a safer, cooler, more awesome place for ladies?

Some hints:

• Unless you are actually speaking of a cetacean, let the word "Whale" never escape your lips. 

^^^ This is a cetacean.

• Same goes for any sort of body-shaming language. I am going to assume you know well and good what is body-shaming language. 
• While we're at it, refrain from using any word connecting a woman's worth with what she does with her secondary sex characteristics. I KNOW you know what those are.
• Cut the bullshit about "I bet you never read the comics" and whatever. Got news for you - half of the new Avengers fandom only watched the movies. Same goes for Batman. Same for X-Men, Spiderman... Same will soon go for Superman. Get over it and just enjoy sharing the fandom. 
• When you hear people doing any of the above... Well, I cannot actually advocate violence. Metaphysically, smite them with a giant hammer. In reality, make sure they know what they're doing is not okay at all ever.

Okay, making this list is actually killing my brain cells. Guys, y'all are intelligent people. You know how not to make people uncomfortable. You know how not to be mean. Please, for the love of every single deity ever known to any being on this planet, USE YOUR GOOD SENSE! I'm trying to help you! (I'm trying to help everybody...) 

Pardon me - you may skip the oncoming rant if you so choose.

DUDES! Why the hell would you ever give a girl any trouble at a con!? A girl who caught shit at a con is a girl who will likely not come back, tell her friends not to come, and all that! EVERYBODY LOSES IN THAT SITUATION! If I were a dude, I would be treating every single girl I came across like she was God's gift to the planet itself! Because guess what!? WHEN GIRLS FEEL SAFE AND NOT SHAMED OR HARASSED, THEY WILL LIKELY COME BACK! What the devil is so hard to grasp about this!? Don't be a dick and don't allow harassment and body-shaming to go on and WOMEN WILL COME HAPPILY TO CONS!

Okay, sorry, that was my first reaction to seeing that comic and I just had to let it out. Seriously, everybody, can we just... not? For real. I don't like it. Other people don't like it. At no point does it make sense to go about doing things that are damaging and wrong and hurtful. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nerds get bullied enough in the "real world." Cons are no place for bullying. 

These guys said so. Do not disagree with these guys.

Marigold, unable to continue typing coherently while looking at that picture, wishing you happy Wednesday!

Quick list of STUFF today!

So, I apologize to everyone, but I've got a lot going on at the present time and I'm not feeling particularly insightful today. Not to leave you with no post and nothing new to think about, I'm just going to post a quick little list of stuff to ponder and links to visit. Everybody cool? Great!

• Could Elphaba's mother really give consent? What the hell was IN that Green Elixir? Yeah... the things one thinks about when one is a feminist musical-lover.
• Project Unbreakable - a picture project to give voice to survivors of sexual violence
• Thing you can do TODAY to make a difference: donate gently-used clothing to crisis centers/shelters/etc. It's season-change time and it's time to do a little closet purging. While you're at it, consider picking up an extra pack of basic underpants next time you're out. Rape victims are often required to give up their clothing for evidence collection. A couple bucks and you can provide someone who really needs it with a pair of undies. 
• Guys - this article makes a fascinating argument for doing the right thing!
• This is not exactly feminist-related but... for the love of several gods, make sure you're drinking enough water! My recent battle with dehydration just makes me want to remind everybody to take good care of themselves. You've only got the one body this time around - take care of it!

Okay, that's about all I have the brain-power for today! I'm gonna go put the dog on his leash and take him out to see the pretty sunshine! Love for everybody!

Marigold, experiencing exam-brain, wishing everyone a happy Tyr's Day - look it up!

Relevant to Issues of Crossplay

How many times have you heard turns of phrase that suggest womanhood/femininity has a negative connotation? Ever been told you do something "like a girl" in that condescending tone? Ever heard a friend stress that their little boy plays with dolls/paints his nails/likes dresses? Ever wonder why the worst thing you can call a guy is a "p*ssy" and the worst thing you can call a girl is a "c*nt"?

Everybody go read this on Feministing.com.

This is a link on how a bunch of Kurd men dressed in women's clothing and accompanied their photos with messages of pride and respect for women. When I first heard about this, I just smiled a lot - I found it lovely and heartwarming and something to be very happy about. I'm still happy about it and I would love to thank these fellas myself. However, now, I'm really sitting down to think about what they're really addressing.

Why the ever-loving hell is it, the world over, somehow shameful to be feminine? Why is it a cardinal sin to be like a woman? Why is it, in some cases, a capital offense to BE a woman?

Then I thought about my friends who crossplay. I thought, first, about my friend Y. [Name redacted] I have known Y. for years through our mutual convention-going habit. For the first many, many times I saw Y., I did not know Y's born gender. I didn't care, frankly - that's just my friend Y. and that's all there is to it. What was under Y's dresses had absolutely no bearing on Y. being my friend! Y's cosplays were fantastic! Showed a great deal of skill and dedication to the cosplay habit! It wasn't until I was at a convention with my now-ex-boyfriend that I heard comments. The comments my thankfully-now-ex made were homophobic, transphobic, and misogynistic. I'm not repeating them hear, because no one I know needs MORE reason to go whomp that guy.

I have another acquaintance - I'll call this one E. I happen to know that E. is biologically female. For as long as I have known E. she has cosplayed male characters. She and I are not close enough for me to know if she has ever received criticism for cosplaying male characters. From other biological females I know who cosplay males, I haven't heard of much flack of that nature. Heck, since most anime men are designed with the intent of satisfying a female audience, they're PRETTY! There are many characters that look equally good when portrayed in flesh by males or females. Correct me if I'm wrong, but there is much less stigma on F2M cosplay than M2F.

It's not just my friend Y. that I have heard catch a hard time. Men who crossplay as women are often assumed to be gay, and the assumption is made with a negative connotation. You know what? I'm not okay with that. I'm female. I think it's pretty awesome. Clothes marketed/designed for biological females are fun! Skirts and dresses are comfy and come in all kinds of pretty colors! I'm perfectly fine with anyone who wants to wear them doing just that!

Cosplay is about way more than clothes, though. Cosplay, for many, many of us is about the characters. You watch a series and, more often than not, the character you want to cosplay is one who SPEAKS to you. For example, I cosplay Tomo Takino from Azumanga Daioh - I have since I was eighteen years old! When I watched that series, I (and most of my friends) immediately saw an overwhelming similarity to my sixteen-year-old self in the character. Tomo is biologically female, like me. In Rurouni Kenshin, the character of Misao Makimachi spoke to me almost more than any other character has ever done. I've cosplayed her since I was sixteen! But imagine if Kenshin had been the one... And imagine if Misao had spoken to Y.

Why would it be okay for me to cosplay Kenshin but not okay for Y. to cosplay Misao?

Oh right... Because in this world, the worst thing you can possibly be is a woman. I'm really fucking offended by that, just so everybody knows. I hate it that you call a guy weak by calling him a "p*ssy." I hate it just as much that you say a girl has a bad personality by calling her a "c*nt." Both of those imply that lady-parts are something bad. FUCK THAT!

I'm just one cosplayer, one blogger, and one feminist, but here is my affirmation to you:

COSPLAY WHOEVER YOU WANT.

It doesn't matter if you look like them in body type, race, or secondary sex characteristics. Make that costume. Commission or buy bits if you need to! WEAR that cosplay! LOVE that character! Go all the way to replicate their personality!

NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO GIVE YOU SHIT ABOUT IT.

If they do, call them out on their bullshit. If you're a guy cosplaying a girl and someone gives you shit, call them out. Tell them that their comments are bigoted. If you're a girl cosplaying a guy and someone says something, you tell them they're full of shit! Tell them you don't appreciate them bringing their crap into a safe space! I'm not going to tell you don't let them affect you. It's okay if something hurts. That's called being human - we have feelings and they get hurt when people are mean to us. TELL people that their comments are hurtful. You've got the right not to be harassed.

Think about these Kurd men. If they can do what they did, where they are, what business do we have using femininity to shame? I'm not ashamed to be a woman. I'm not ashamed to have feminine traits, nor am I ashamed to have masculine characteristics. Polarization and emphasis of differences, to me, are not constructive or productive. Let's look more at what makes us PEOPLE. Yes, there are differences, but I keep saying, instead of assigning value judgments, let's celebrate!

Marigold, psyched for the Georgia Renaissance Festival this weekend, wishing you love!

Seeing as I am also a critter person...

I suggest you all read THIS.

I know I keep telling you to go read things or watch things. It's good for you - keeps your brain active. I'll be patient while you read. Go on! I'll just go walk Stitch and be right back!

Now, okay... If someone hurt one of my animals... Once I got through killing them, resurrecting them, and killing them again, everyone would be calling for their heads on pikes. And this is as it should be. We live in an age that people recognize that animal cruelty is not okay. There are movements to make animal cruelty a felony in many states. Whether it's organizations or individual pieces like the little angel who rescued Jackson the cat, people work to save animals. Never once do they ask what the animal did to "deserve" what happened. Nor do they ask how it could possibly, in any way, shape, or form, be the animal's fault.

You know, I'd really like that same consideration if something happened to me. Not sure if I've made this clear enough, but I happen to be female. And I'm totally okay with that - to tell you the plain truth, I like it! I've got long hair to play with and, let's face it, fashion is always kinder to ladies than it is to gentlemen, aesthetically speaking. Case in point, and in light of my recent participation in a theater appreciation group project, I give you American fashion in the 1960s. MUCH kinder to the ladies - most of that stuff looks tolerable even today. What I don't like about being female is that, no matter what happens to me, it is on ME to prove how it wasn't my fault.

I am all for the bit in the Constitution of the United States that gives people the right to a fair trial and all that - we really need that. But I was unaware that "innocent until proven guilty" somehow translated to "guilty until proven innocent" when the situation involves violence against women... In theory, if something happens to me, not only do I have to prove that I was the victim of violence, but I have to prove I didn't deserve it! To me, that sounds... well, fucked up. If a man is threatened with violence and he gives up his wallet, he did what he was supposed to do. No one would say to him "Well, didn't you know better than to have that much cash on your person?" or "Well, why would you dress to suggest that you had money?"

Go and read a little bit of that article again.

Are you scared yet? If you are female, are you getting it through your head that your pet is more likely to get a conviction if it is a victim of violence than you are? I'm not even going to do the whole "This could be your mother/sister/girlfriend/what-have-you" thing. No, because men need to get it through their heads that women are more than "their" anybody! Guys, look around. There's fully half the population who probably couldn't get their attacker convicted because of their gender. Now look at your pet. I'm not saying people who abuse animals should be given any leeway at all - far from it. I'm just saying it's a little twisted that they're more likely to convict the same man of beating his dog than they are of beating his wife or girlfriend.

I don't normally do the whole "This - be outraged about this!" thing. However, looking at Stitch on the couch next to me got me to thinking. If someone hurt him, I would see them prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. If that wasn't good enough, I'd be assembling a posse. The only "justified" cause for hurting an animal is if it's harming someone, and most people get that. However, people seem awfully confused on when it's "justified" to act violently against a woman. You know what? I'm going with the same thing as before. It is only "justified" to use violence against another person if they are doing you bodily harm. Not their clothes, their state of intoxication, their refusal to date you, their refusal to consent to sex within a relationship or out of it... ONLY if someone is doing you bodily harm may you act with violence.

Can we just go with that?

Marigold, retreating to her couch fort, bidding everyone a decent Tuesday!