And I get to Jessica Valenti’s passage in “He’s a
Stud, She’s a Slut - and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should
Know” about shaving/hair removal.
I get where she and other feminists are coming from. I really do. Bodily autonomy. It is totally a thing. It needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Sure - refuse to shave because fuck the patriarchy. Sure - refuse to shave because it saves time. Sure - refuse to shave because you don’t fucking want to.
But do not give me shit because I shave.
You do not know my situation. I have an autism spectrum disorder. Part of that disorder includes sensory snafus, including overload. Tactile issues have given me personal hell since I was a tiny baby. Ask my mom - I would somehow kick out of onesies in my crib. I cannot abide anything that itches. Or is sticky, but that’s not a shaving issue.
I find body hair intolerably itchy. It has nothing to do with standards of beauty. Zero to do with attracting the sexual interest of the Theoretical Random Cis-Het Man. Not because someone told me hairy girls are gross. It has everything to do with the fact that if I cannot relieve an itch, I could tear my skin off trying.
I get that I’m probably a pretty specific situation. But you don’t know. Before you go off on somebody for “feeding the patriarchy” with whatever their personal hygiene routine happens to be, make sure you know their entire situation.
This kind of body policing, even if it's in the name of feminism, is part of the reason the patriarchy still thinks it's winning. When you get snippy at another woman because you don't like what she does with her body, guess what? You're being just as bad. If you have a serious disagreement with someone over something they are doing, by all means address that. Just do it without attacking. I hate to come across like a third grade teacher (Mrs. McGoldrick, you were AWESOME - don't get me wrong!) but use your words. You can say "I disagree with you doing X because Y" without screaming "YOU'RE WRONG!" at the person. You can also express concern if you feel the person may genuinely be harming themselves.
First thing you need to do, however, is ask yourself "What's this got to do with me?" If you really think that someone's, in this case, personal hygiene habits, are your business, ask yourself why. Ask yourself and answer honestly, "Why am I so concerned with what this person is doing?" I'm not a religious person, but I think there's something to be said for "Before you criticize the speck in your neighbor's eye, remove the plank of wood from your own." I'm not going to get snarky and say "Before you criticize me, make sure you're perfect."
By the way... CRITICISM is different from ATTACKING. Please tell me I do not have to insult your intelligence by explaining the difference. We're all mature people here - we know how to make a point without descending into biting at someone's character or getting personal.
On that same note, I'm going to cross-post something I posted on my friend E.'s Facebook. Context: he was asking if there is a way to criticize someone who is different/a minority without coming across as intolerant or an asshole. (Quick answer: yes.)
On the original point, I get the case against shaving. I hear you and I understand. But show some empathy for someone experiencing a different situation. I would rather shave/wax/thread/Nair/whatever than tear my skin apart from unbearable itching. If you wish never to remove any hair from your body ever, cool. Not my business, cos it’s not my body.
I would appreciate being extended the same courtesy.
Marigold, loving the smell of her massage oil substituted for lotion, wishing you a beautiful day!
(BTW... It's been a long, strange trip, but this is the 50th post on this blog!!!!!)
I get where she and other feminists are coming from. I really do. Bodily autonomy. It is totally a thing. It needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Sure - refuse to shave because fuck the patriarchy. Sure - refuse to shave because it saves time. Sure - refuse to shave because you don’t fucking want to.
But do not give me shit because I shave.
You do not know my situation. I have an autism spectrum disorder. Part of that disorder includes sensory snafus, including overload. Tactile issues have given me personal hell since I was a tiny baby. Ask my mom - I would somehow kick out of onesies in my crib. I cannot abide anything that itches. Or is sticky, but that’s not a shaving issue.
I find body hair intolerably itchy. It has nothing to do with standards of beauty. Zero to do with attracting the sexual interest of the Theoretical Random Cis-Het Man. Not because someone told me hairy girls are gross. It has everything to do with the fact that if I cannot relieve an itch, I could tear my skin off trying.
I get that I’m probably a pretty specific situation. But you don’t know. Before you go off on somebody for “feeding the patriarchy” with whatever their personal hygiene routine happens to be, make sure you know their entire situation.
This kind of body policing, even if it's in the name of feminism, is part of the reason the patriarchy still thinks it's winning. When you get snippy at another woman because you don't like what she does with her body, guess what? You're being just as bad. If you have a serious disagreement with someone over something they are doing, by all means address that. Just do it without attacking. I hate to come across like a third grade teacher (Mrs. McGoldrick, you were AWESOME - don't get me wrong!) but use your words. You can say "I disagree with you doing X because Y" without screaming "YOU'RE WRONG!" at the person. You can also express concern if you feel the person may genuinely be harming themselves.
First thing you need to do, however, is ask yourself "What's this got to do with me?" If you really think that someone's, in this case, personal hygiene habits, are your business, ask yourself why. Ask yourself and answer honestly, "Why am I so concerned with what this person is doing?" I'm not a religious person, but I think there's something to be said for "Before you criticize the speck in your neighbor's eye, remove the plank of wood from your own." I'm not going to get snarky and say "Before you criticize me, make sure you're perfect."
By the way... CRITICISM is different from ATTACKING. Please tell me I do not have to insult your intelligence by explaining the difference. We're all mature people here - we know how to make a point without descending into biting at someone's character or getting personal.
On that same note, I'm going to cross-post something I posted on my friend E.'s Facebook. Context: he was asking if there is a way to criticize someone who is different/a minority without coming across as intolerant or an asshole. (Quick answer: yes.)
"Our society puts great stigma on being wrong. It's looked on as a blow to your character, rather than something that inevitably happens and you are supposed to learn from it. Therefore, instead of taking criticism as a learning tool, people take it as a personal attack. They'll then do any mental gymnastics necessary to make double sure they're bleating "I'M NOT WRONG!" just as loud as they can.
First, we need to do away with this whole "Being wrong makes you a bad person" mentality. Then, we need to make sure that what we are saying IS truly a criticism, not just an attack because what they are doing is making us feel like we might be wrong. We've created this culture of "Bite them before they bite you" so everyone has this marked tendency to just lash out anytime they hear something they do not instantly and totally agree with."I see this in feminist discourse all the time. Instead of having an actual DISCOURSE, in which people can exchange sometimes-conflicting points of view and come to their own conclusions, I see the same screaming and gnashing of teeth as your average YouTube comments. Instead of seeing "Okay, I disagree with you and you disagree with me, but what we're each doing works for us" or even possibly picking up new ideas, I'm seeing "YOU'RE A HORRIBLE FEMINIST! YOU'RE A BAD PERSON! YOU MAKE THIS A ROTTEN WORLD FOR WOMEN!" F everyone's I, that's a terrific way for the patriarchy to win. Whatever the point is, it is totally possible for several different things to be workable. Person A can want to go to school for engineering while Person B wants to study music. There's no need to tear each other's throats out just for being into different things.
On the original point, I get the case against shaving. I hear you and I understand. But show some empathy for someone experiencing a different situation. I would rather shave/wax/thread/Nair/whatever than tear my skin apart from unbearable itching. If you wish never to remove any hair from your body ever, cool. Not my business, cos it’s not my body.
I would appreciate being extended the same courtesy.
Marigold, loving the smell of her massage oil substituted for lotion, wishing you a beautiful day!
(BTW... It's been a long, strange trip, but this is the 50th post on this blog!!!!!)
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